Hello, it’s me.
This is so stupid. Really, it is. But I figured I would write because I can’t stop wondering if maybe, after so much time and all these years, you might want to meet and go over everything.
Everything. Such a large word. So all-encompassing. I guess when I say everything I mean that I’m sitting on the outside. Yelling hello into an empty window, yelling “I’m sorry.” Wanting to look in your eyes and tell you “I’m sorry, for everything. Everything that I’ve done.” But I can’t see you. I can’t be with you. I call and you don’t answer. You never seem to be home.
So can you even hear me? Hello? They say that time is supposed to heal. Heal and free feelings to float to great heights and distances. Float over the difference between us, over a million miles.
But I haven’t done much healing. I keep going over it. I keep lying in bed. I keep looking up towards the ceiling and dreaming. I’m in California and I’m dreaming about it all.
* * *
So hello from the other side.
I think I’ve called over a thousand times by now. I called to say I’m sorry. For everything. Everything. Everything that I’ve done.
You never seem to be home, so I guess I’ll write this instead.
* * *
I’m sorry. It’s so typical of me to talk about myself.
But still, I lay in bed, on the other side, and dream about who we used to be. When we were young and free and in love. I can’t remember it though. I can still see your face in my eyes. It’s shape and the way you squint in the sun. But I can’t remember what it felt like.
What it felt like to be in love. To be young and to be free. I’ve forgotten it all. I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet. It’s no secret, friend, that we’re running out of time.
* * *
But how are you? How does it feel to be on the inside? I’m on the outside. Hello from out here. I just tried to say I’m sorry, and I think I called a thousand times. Can you hear me?
I dream of that town. That town that held only you and me. Did you ever make it out of that place? Nothing ever happened except for our love. I can’t remember what it felt like. I only remember the difference between us. A million miles and distant memories.
* * *
Hello? Can you hear me?
I guess it doesn’t tear you apart anymore.
I hope you are well. It’s no secret I loved you. It’s no secret I still do.
But every time I call you never seem to be home.