i am good enough? (for you, whoever you are)

I’m transitioning out of a job I don’t think I’m very good at. For some reason the details feel like they envelop me.

i am not a good enough task manager

Yesterday was my brother’s birthday. I FaceTimed in while everyone sang happy birthday and ate ice cream cake.

i am not a good enough family member

My phone has a lot of text messages on it from people I love dearly and haven’t responded to. Life has just been so busy and crazy lately.

i am not a good enough friend

But I’ve been dreaming and planning and conspiring recently about starting something I’m afraid to talk about because I’m afraid if I do it will be proven impossible.

I dream of opening a publishing house with the mantra being, “You belong.” A place that speaks from experience and not arrogance, a place that is committed to representation and authenticity.

But how will that be possible when I can’t even do a good job in the job I have now? How can I ever be good enough for that if I’m not good enough for this?

 i am not a good enough leader

i am not a good enough Christian

i am not a good enough human

i am not good enough

*                      *                      *

Like kindling, my fears stack one on top of the other. My funeral pyre is built with my insecurities, my worries, and my anxieties.

*                      *                      *

It was my freshman year of college, and I was spending the Spring semester in the mountains of Yosemite. There were forty-two of us, and there was this one girl who was amazing. Everywhere she went, there was love (cue “She is Love” by Parachute).

It walked before her and behind her, entering doorways and filling rooms with incandescent glow. Her words were soothing medicine to a cracked and broken heart. She was one of us, no doubt, but somehow also other. Like she had discovered a secret echelon of love and found joy in beckoning us closer.

I’ll never forget one night on the front deck when we passed in the dark. For some reason I stopped and looked at her.

how are you?

She hesitated a moment too long, kind of tilted her head, and told me she wasn’t feeling well.

how?

She didn’t feel like she was loving others well. She was learning all these stories about Jesus in our Bible class but didn’t feel like she measured up. She couldn’t love the way she should.

really?

Yes, really.

She just wasn’t good enough.

She wasn’t loving enough.

It was so weird because every time I saw her, I saw the word love.

*                      *                      *

Like kindling, her fears stacked one on top of the other. Her funeral pyre was built with her insecurities, her worries, and her anxieties.

*                      *                      *

I think we all have these stories.

I think we’re all not enough.

I think we are often tempted to give up on the God-given dreams because we can’t see how they could ever happen with us at the helm.

Like kindling, our fears stack one on top of the other. Our funeral pyres are built with our insecurities, our worries, and our anxieties.

*                      *                      *

I took a walk at work today to call my mom. I just needed to hear her voice. It felt like one well-placed question would bring the tears and emotions.

I told her everything about not being enough or feeling like I’m good enough.

i am not a good enough task manager

i am not a good enough family member

i am not a good enough friend

i am not a good enough leader

i am not a good enough Christian

i am not a good enough human

i am not good enough

First she said she feels like that a lot. Then she said they are lies. She said the enemy feeds us lies to keep us from noticing what the Lord is accomplishing in and through us.

If I am so focused on my fears and the potential flames around me, I will be ignorant to the movement of the Spirit in the here and now.

I am blinded to the holy ground I am standing on because I am looking around the corners at coming failures.

Before she hung up, she told me to read Ephesians 1-3 tonight before I went to bed, to remind me of my identity in Christ.

I would encourage you to do the same thing.

You, who is not enough.

You, who doesn’t have the strength to be strong or the courage to be courageous.

You, who hates the image in the mirror and lacks the compassion to be compassionate to yourself.

You, who refuses to start a dream because of the people who have abused your dreams in the past.

You. You. You.

You are enough because Christ is enough.

I am trying to lean into that and could use some people propping me up and doing the same.

*                      *                      *

One way or another, our fears will burn. Here’s to the slow and often painful process of giving Jesus the match.

*                      *                      *

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

-Ephesians 2:4-7